I LOVE YOU

About the way I feel about this mystery person. I have a feeling that it should be left unnoticed for the rest of my good life, because I know that this person loves me even though its not in a romantic way. Even if I did have a chance to co-exist with this individual, I know that I would feel weird unless we were just friends. I know that I could do that.. but I also know that I want more from that individual.

Regardless, I still feel that I need to say it… even though my closer friends know who I’m talking about most of the time.

So, I guess I’m at a loss for what to do. On another note, my “friends” have been showing me a lot of different sides lately, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve already known this for a very long time already. My main thing is, that I haven’t once seen them help me when I really needed it. I.e., they’d leave me in a house full of strangers if it meant that the turn out was good for them.. Not saying that the example I just used actually happened.. just saying that when I’m too ‘out-of-my-head’, so to speak, their own interests matter more then a friend. I know that I haven’t come through some times… but at the same time, I try and be as good a friend as possible. I never really ask for tangible things(money, alcohol, herb, etc.)in order to better my experience with any of them[except if I’m already inebriated] I don’t know…

Everything is not always as it seems, and I’ve learned in my own personal experience that the reactions and situations that I find myself in are all part of my own negative karma boomerang so-to-speak. I just need reap what I sow. And it’ll all come to me.

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I’f you are wondering if I’m talking about you, probably.

for venting. Good or bad. It doesn’t matter.

Mostly to get me through these days of ambiguity. Mostly to get me passed the fact that it was all once part of my life, and now that I can see fairly clearly, I appreciate it all. However, as I kind of look back into the past, I can’t help but feel the love that once surrounded me. The love that was especially for me. A love that was no holds barred. I look at the times when I used to think of nothing but her, and how I acted, and I know now that it was simply true, passionate, real love. No matter what my age was at the time.

But now, now that she can have fun with her friends, go to work and do her own thing while listening to her life music, there is no time for me…

I don’t like to usually make sense of the fact that I’m practically gone. I don’t like make sense of anything that she does, because my true emotions leak out of my heart and my eyes until I can’t help it. I let the days pass by with a little recognition of my rooted/uprooted love.

I continually listen to reggae music, because it helps me savour the flavour of my love. All the rocksteady, roots, and dubstep just have the right words, ya digg? Anyway, I think I’m just going to stop here. I love her/you. And thanks again, Dear Reader.

As I listen to the only music that helps me to feel good, I can’t help but think about you. And the way that I am not/was not by your side. Dear Reader, if you have it in to stop reading, please do so. Because this post is not going to be much different then my others.

First, I want to point out the fact that I am so  confused…

Second, I’ll convey the fact that I am losing some faith…

Lastly, there is only a few things right now that I can think of off the top of my head that will make this better.. acquiring those things however, lies the “systematic-problem” because it is apart of the first two things.

I’m not frustrated. I’m not angry. I’m not sad. But I am not happy. My good friends, are surrounded by the things that they want. I am not. (I’m hoping that the text that I have acquired reveals some route towards the methods in which to attain) Anyway, Dear Reader, after this morning… I’m not sure what to feel. Guilt and sorrow are a couple of things. And I know that “sorrow” is a heavy word weighted by feelings of sadness, but there is no other word aside that can explain this woeful emotion. I wish something would happen and make it all better. Something that would alter my mood for a better purpose. Something that would want me to be there too. Not just a bystander, as I have been feeling as of late.

I believe that I could go on for some time to try and describe this. Its not something so bad that my life sucks (although sometimes, it feels much like that) but it is the thing that makes everything less appealing and less joyful. Perhaps its just my perception juxtaposed with my belief that it will come to me… the latter seems to fade. I want to be able to just say these things out loud, but I’ve made that promise, that my problems are mine alone, aside from you Dear Reader who goes through the trouble in reading this. I know that it might be trivial sometimes, I just can’t help it.

The words of my favourite artists, poets, and humble melodies of those from some foreign region ring in my ears, and the subtle taste of victory can be heard within them.

On another note, Dear Reader, my inquisition that is the story that I’m writing, has been put to a halt, do to a lack of self-motivation and a lack of a lot of other things. When I think about what it is that holds me back, I think that its because there is no one to share it with. And on that thought, I know that it can seem a bit ridiculous. Its not that I need someone, it just makes it that much better… *sigh*

As I sit here and listen to this song, as many of my blogging exploits have started, I wonder. Everything that I believe to be aspiring to, often fades away from me. All the ambitions don’t seem so, well, ambitious. All I can think about are a few key words that I know can accurately describe what I am thinking. Although, I will not be posting those words yet. As I stated earlier in this post, its not so much that I know, but what I feel the words can be. And I don’t think that sharing them will make a bit of difference.

On yet another note, the thought of you being with them makes my heart sink into the quicksand of thought. The melting pot of all that can be, will be, and should be awaken in me but is immediately stopped by fear. Right now, I just want to be loved. Thank you Dear Reader, if you opted to read this far. I’ll love you forever, mystery person. And as for you, I can’t think of a better way to reach your love then to watch it come to me. No matter how far fetched it is, because I know it is behind a glass, and I can not reach it. As I said before. Please enjoy yourself as I sit here. Please, take time for yourself, as I sit here. And please, Love yourself (and perhaps someone else) as you once loved me… and I’ll just sit here. And listen to the fold songs that have been my remedy for all these long years…

I’ve always known what it is that I can put my efforts into caring about. Its in all the Reggae music that I listen to. Its in all 140 characters that I use to describe my feelings and thoughts. And the only thing that I can’t, or should I say won’t do, is be specific. I love the ambiguity, and the fact that I’m the only one that knows what I’m truly talking about. Perhaps its because I don’t want it to be too apparent. And at the same time, I want to get the point across, even if it falls on deaf ears.

I am going to undergo a deep change within myself, dear reader, that will make everything better as I go along. I know that I have said it before, but its the truth, and like a book that I read, it will set you free.

I just have to keep thinking it, and I know that I’ll receive what it is that is rightfully mine. Even if it takes some convincing on your part.

http://bit.ly/dhnqY2

If only I could convey the reality in which I live. Full of metaphoric bullshit. Full of figurative misconception. Every time that I write something, either negative or positive, even if no one reads it, it doesn’t matter. I’ve left my judgment at the brink of devastation while my heart contemplates the falsehood of perceptions. Perceiving blindly with my mouth, I utter unto the universe dribble that makes me embarrassed. I speak and I feel the facade of life seep into the ears of the trees and stones. I just want to understand the things that ail me. I want to respond to the things that don’t. And overall, I want to be strive for understanding instead of being understood. 

Could anyone agree with this?

Abandoned Ship Bells-Mum

I have to reiterate this band again and again. By far one of the most possessive groups that I have come across. They always seem to get me rapt up in thinking and emotion. The music is always so tangible to my heart and I feel like I can always touch it. My mind is a playground… except, I’m the only one on the swing.

I see it every day. The things that I want to see, like what is trending or what is important to the person in the window at the grocery store. I see that they all need it to be real like some kind prophecy. But theories are skeptical and the only thing that I trust are my own. I see some friends that are barely alive. I see some people that think they’re real. I see animals being animals, and I see objects become people and they’re hopes and dreams. I read the privacy policies of companies, I read stories made by artists. I use the internet to feel connected to something that doesn’t exist. I have a fear that sleeps in my head. I have a thought that is etched on my skin. I have seen love and hate clasping hands. I’ve seen remorse and regret stab solace in the back… 

“I guess your kind of truth, its just the ghost of your lies” - conor oberst

I do see through them like the bottom of a clear pond. I see the fish swim there like they have been for centuries. I see the silt, and I see the stones. I can see the way the air hangs there now as I breathe…

All with my eyes shut. I just want to put my love into something that will produce fruit. THANKS FOR READING. 

-Sonny